Scared to be happy

it’s just so hard for me to be happy nowadays it’s like I tend to turn the happy days into sad ones . I either remember something that gets me into tears or I just feel like I don’t have the right to be happy because everytime I remember myself beaming with joy I know for sure something dark has followed it . It’s just got into my system that’s how I process happiness – a premonition of something grim . Why do I always strip myself off the happiness I deserve . I’ve always known that dark times are followed by good but why is it the opposite for me it’s just weird for me to say I’m scared to be happy and I feel foolish to even say it out loud let alone share it with someone and that’s the whole point I’m writing here . I’ve locked my smile into this cage whose keys I haven’t got my hands on ever and how much ever I try to find those keys or to remake them it just feels impossible .